Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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