did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
