sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
