Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
