She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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