1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
