and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
