It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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