why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
