I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
