It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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