i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
