High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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