Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
