I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Randomize
