They should really pass out barf bags in church
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
