textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
