he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
