...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
