i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
