hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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