I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
