remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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