Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
