I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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