Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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