So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
