Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
