He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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