I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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