from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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