I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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