K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
