Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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