Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
