new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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