Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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