I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
