he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
