Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
