Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
