My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
either way he was missing a nipple.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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