there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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