Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos