I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
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did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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