The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
