This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
