If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
