Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
