In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
