Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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