It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have demons in me.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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