Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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