Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
