Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
