dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
