you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
