i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
