we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
