I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
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I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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